Dating vs. Courtship

As an offshoot of Gothard's teachings on authority, Gothard teaches that young people must allow their authorities to determine whom they will marry, and that God can bless no marriage if it goes against parental counsel. In his booklet titled Establishing Biblical Standards of Courtship, beneath a picture of a couple riding bikes, Gothard writes: "Is this couple dating, or courting? The answer will have an important effect upon their lives, the lives of their families, and (if they marry) the lives of those in ever generation which follows. There is a definite and vital difference between courtship and dating. Unless this difference is understood and the principles of courtship are applied, defrauding and hurts can result, as well as lasting physical, mental, and spiritual consequences." 

Gothard must view dating as an abominable sin if it can have consequences "in every generation which follows!" Courtship, on the other hand, "is a father's agreeing to work with a qualified young man to win his daughter for marriage ¡¦" "the Lord has warned us not to follow our natural inclinations but to receive His precise guidelines for carrying out a Godly courtship." 

In defining dating and courting so tightly, and then juxtaposing them, Gothard creates a false dilemma by asserting that all who date do so for their own personal pleasure rather than with the motive of forming a mutual commitment, leading potentially to marriage. Why must Gothard's idea of "courtship," which is, in effect, arranged marriage, be the only alternative to casual dating, rather than serious, conscientious dating? In creating this false dilemma, he has set up his followers to accept the idea that there is only one divinely inspired, God-ordained method of finding a spouse. Any other way is sure to bring God's cataclysmic judgment on the couple and their descendants for generations. We find Gothard's courtship teaching to be unbiblical, unfair, unreasonable, unworkable, and, ultimately, unwise. 

One of the reasons Gothard gives to ban dating is that "through the deception of dating, Satan is able to reduce the fruitfulness of one's ministry both in singleness and in marriage." He reasons that single people spend too much time pairing off and enjoying companionship with members of the opposite sex. Hence, when they marry, they may soon get bored and "neglect the responsibilities of marriage to enjoy the benefits of singleness." 

Gothard argues that when a single person feels the need to have companionship, he or she is not being content with the Lord and "¡¦ unless we are content with the Lord in singleness, we will not be content with another person in marriage." In other words, feelings of loneliness indicate a spiritual problem. 

It must be emphasized again that in Gothard's system, under no possible circumstances is a courtship to be entered into without the consent of the parents. In his seminar Gothard says, "I'm firmly convinced that God never intended girls to turn down dates. He intended for their father's [sic] to." This principle applies equally to marriage. In Gothard's booklet Establishing Biblical Standards of Courtship, there is a page for sons and daughters to cut out, which is a covenant they sign with their fathers to "¡¦ demonstrate your commitment to God's plan for courtship instead of man's philosophy of dating. ¡¦" 

The young person must say to his or her father, "I will wait for your full release before entering into marriage." The father, in turn, tells his daughter that "I will protect you from unqualified men." To his son the father says, "I will protect you from strange women." This covenant is "between a father and a son as witnessed by the Lord Jesus Christ," and must be signed by the child, the father, and the family's pastor. 

In all of Gothard's writing and teaching on the subject of courtship and marriage, there is a complete absence of any understanding of this special kind of intimacy between a man and a woman that cements a marriage together. In Gothard's booklet Understanding the Biblical Foundations of Marriage, no mention is made of anything even relating to intimate love. When Gothard does mention love, it is cold and clinical. Although Gothard's teaching on courtship does not explicitly forbid romantic love, one gets the impression that if it happens it's a bonus, not an essential ingredient for marriage. Safety is what matters, and giving one's heart can truly be scary in an insecure world. (Source: Veinot & Henzel, A Matter of Basic Principles, pp. 253-256; 258; 276-277)